Calling the past

My aunt and I decided that it would be a good idea for me to call my dad. This way, he knew that I was thinking about him and we hoped it would be an opening to start talking again. Last night was the night I called. I let some people know that I would, so that in case of a mental breakdown, there would be people who knew what was going on. Haha. (There wasn’t).

He did not pick up.

To be honest, I somehow hoped this would happen. This way, he knows I called, whether he canceled it or truly missed it. I’ve decided not to call him until he tries to contact me. I actually just want to know if he read the letter and what he thinks of it, what it made him feel. Another reason that I’m glad he didn’t pick up, is because I am really dreading it. It can go two ways and of course I hope it will be for the better. But what if he decides to cut me off completely.

When I was little, I was once watching a tv show. In one of the episodes, there was this person that didn’t have contact with one of her parents anymore. She wanted to tell her that she was sorry and although I’m not sure, I think the parent didn’t want to make things right yet. Back then, I felt so glad that that would never happen to me, or so I thought. Because it did. And it was over something stupid and I just can not get to the fact that why? Why would you treat someone like this, especially when you love them.

Tonight, I’m going out for dinner with my boyfriend and two other friends. I’ve been looking forward to it all week but now I’m just a little scared that my dad will decide to call just during dinner. My dad doesn’t even know about the boy, he doesn’t know anything. He doesn’t know how well I do in school and I just want to show him what I am capable of. I want him to be proud of he, I want him to tell me that he loves me and that he wishes things went differently. I want him to be the adult in this relationship and I want him to be capable of telling me that he handled it the wrong way.

I really hope things will get better bit by bit. It will take time, strength, tears and loads of talking but I am sure that one day, he will be my daddy again. I just want him back the way he was. I know I’m too old for bedtime stories now, but I’d give anything to hear one of them again.

I miss you, daddy.

Trouble in Paradise

Just when I thought I had everything back on track, the daddy issues come right back in. Maybe it’s the right timing and stuff but it scares me a little.

The psychologist made me write a letter, I think it was in October, and my aunt recently asked my dad if he wanted to read it. He agreed and promised that he would read it (I feared he was going to throw it away or maybe burn it). My aunt called me today to ask me how I was and if I wanted to call my dad some time soon. I’ve decided to call him this week. It’s gonna talk balls and tears but I really want to speak to him.

I don’t know if he has read the letter and I don’t know that if he didn’t, when he will have the courage to do it. To be honest, I can not fully remember what I have written because it’s been a while since… The point is, my dad and I really need to talk. I honestly miss him and I think it sucks that he doesn’t know what is going on in my life. I don’t even know if he knows that Joey and I broke up and he surely doesn’t know that I’m dating someone again. (Let’s call him Leroy).

Because Leroy and I are not official yet (yes, it is a thing to me). I don’t want to bother him with this. I’ve already told him that there is a letter and that my aunt has sent it to my dad, but he does not know what’s in it yet. I become very emotional when I talk about this to someone and I don’t want him to see me cry yet. I know he doesn’t care and that he wants to help me, but I don’t want to turn into the girlfriend who has daddy issues.

To be hones, I think that my dad is not feeling right. I even think he has relationship struggles. My stepmom is feeding him in his anger towards my mother (and maybe even me), or at least, that’s what we think. I really wish he would see someone so he can talk about it and I also think he deserves a decent woman who will make him realise that he is handling it the wrong way and that he has to let go of the anger and starts living his life again.

I just want it all back. The way it was before. When he wasn’t dating someone. Back to how it was when I was around… twelve years old. I would love to spend more time with him and start seeing him as my dad again instead of my father. (Yes, there is a difference).

This post may be too personal, but I haven’t really talked about it with anyone yet so it’s nice to have the ability to write it down somewhere.

Love -

 

Little Catch-Up

I’m sorry for not posting in a long time. I just checked and saw I had only posted twice in the past month. To be honest, I’m sososo happy with the guy I’m currently dating and I just want to rub it into anyone’s face and stuff like that. The past few days made me realise how much I’m starting to care about this guy. I think I can honestly say that I’m in love. I truly am I guess. It took me a while and some things went waaaay too fast but it just felt so right.

I’m not quitting this blog, but my life is at a good point and actually just quite boring. Boyfriend, school, work. Not really that much to blog about, not many thought either. I’m going to start another, Dutch, one about celiac disease as a student. I’m curious how it will work out, because I’ve had the idea for a while now and I don’t really put myself to doing it. I had exams the past few weeks, so there hasn’t been that much time but I hope I will get to it soon.

Thanks for reading and I will probably post again some time (when I’ve found something to blog about again, hopefully not another break-up).

Joey knows about the guy and I. To be fair; they know each other. He’s one of Joey’s friends’ brother. But I didn’t know it and Joey doesn’t seem to care. GREAT! Still feels a little weird though.

He and I are very alike and I’m not really sure if that’s a good or a bad thing. We do differ on many levels as well though. We make a pretty good team :) I am happy we found each other. I still don’t know how long it’s going to last and due to the age difference (I’m 2 years older than him :l) I’m scared he will start to bore me. But that’s just an irrelevant fear I guess. So far, it’s been pretty good and I shouldn’t worry too much already.

Okay, done.
Love, Lynn -

Note to self;

When someone tells you they are in love with you, you do not ask them if they like pudding.

I still need to make up a name for him. Anyways, we’ve been seeing each other quite often and it feels so good and comfortable. Almost as if we’ve known each other for months, but we haven’t. It helps so much that he goes to school in the same town, most of the time it’s like; done with school, coming over for an hour or so.

So lately, he told me he doesn’t fall in love that quickly and I guess… neither do I. So last night he suddenly dropped that on me. The butterflies went crazy haha. But I obviously don’t know how to handle those situations where he just said something nice and then you hug and kiss and everything is quiet and I suddenly remembered we hadn’t had desert yet and there was still pudding in the fridge. Blaaaaaah, shame on me!

He handeled it pretty well though :)

We just get along so well and I can’t figure out why but I’m so happy we ran in to each other. He’s just so sweet, funny and agh. Just… Everything. He’s leaving me speechless.

Ah well, it’s spring again. (:

The tale of Carnaval

I live in the south of the Netherlands, this means we celebrate the so-called “Carnaval”. To be honest, my town officially doesn’t, but I live close enough to the towns that do. It’s basically five days of getting drunk, dressing up and having fun. Maybe even have a little snog. Also, the weekends before the actual party, we celebrate it as well. (Great excuse for a party). Over here, we do not dress up as superwoman or Snow white or something, we just wear fur coats, curtains and a red handkerchief. It sounds lame but it’s so much fun to see all those people dress up like that.

So well. To be honest, I’m not the kind of ‘I’m gonna kiss a stranger tonight’-person. And I kept my word. I did not kiss a stranger. I did kiss my co-worker. Shet. That was a mistake. Everyone knows, because some other co-worker was standing right next to it. That’s gonna be fun when I have to work with him tomorrow. But then… Well. I ran into someone I met at work. And he’s nice. And we ran into each-other a couple of times before that night. So guess what happened.

Yep, we kissed. And it feels wrong to put it up here, because I’m still scared as hell that someone might find out about my blog.

He’s just really nice, a little bit too young but hey, they say age doesn’t matter. We met the other days as well and ehm, we get along well :) We’ll see where it goes.

There goes the “I can not kiss a person I don’t know” reputation I’ve been giving myself for the past few years.

 

This post was written on March 6th but somehow not published until now.

The anti-social, overdramatic forensic analyst

I feel like I’m stuck. There are so many things I would like to develop and study, work or make. There’s too many things I want to do to fit in one lifetime. I need an extra one. On top of that, this week hasn’t been the best week. I feel tired, useless and lonely. This only increases the wondering about my life and what to do with it.

For instance;

1. I love languages. I’d really love to do a little more with English. I honestly love speaking it, so I’m thrilled that I have an English class this period. Last week, we had to do a presentation and the comments were; “Good pronounciation, fluent”. I even got a smiley! And because the teacher is English as well… She probably know what she’s talking about. These little things and comments, make me really proud of myself. For actually being good at something I like. :)

2. I love psychology. I really wish I could help people in school. On the social level. Of course, I do make little fun of them, but I should really talk to a girl in my group about how nobody ever wants to form a couple with her. She told one of my friends that this also happened throughout high school. I can not imagine how lonely she must feel some times. I really wish I could help her out and let her make more friends, come off more social and stuff like this. This is somehow ironic because I’m studying to work at a forensic laboratory. My workfield with people will be just co-workers and (dead) body samples.

3. I love acting. And singing, secretly. I really wish I could be in a movie or something. Lately, a friend and I started taking acting classes  but this is mostly improvisation and ‘games’. Also it’s only 10 classes and pretty expensive… I’d love to do a production next year, but paying 400 euros for performing something seems ridiculous to me.

I think the only appropriate job for me is to be a psychiatrist in a Hollywood movie. (Don’t mind me, taking impossible dreams to a whole new level).

Also lately, I’ve started to realise I really like what I study. I’m good at it (as long as I don’t have to do maths). And people (including me) finally take me seriously. Well… Most of the time.

 

Boys, Cigarettes and Booze

But first; how to survive without a phone… Well, how about: not. I’m using my iPad and old Blackberry but I still don’t have whatsapp and I probably have to wait until my phone is fixed.

I’ll start to tell you the whole story. I was out last Saturday (worst idea ever, I had to work the next day). And at one moment, I wanted to check my phone and then I took it out of my pocket and the screen was just black. Nothing more. It blacked out I guess. (I did not, thank god ;)). So the rest of the night, I had to keep everyone in sight so I wouldn’t lose track. (It’s Carnaval here. Very busy). I stopped drinking around 10.30 pm and I had till 2 am to enjoy myself. Well, over all. I did :) We ran into sooooo many co workers :) (yep, the nice one as well)

God, I really should tell you. We ran into each other and he immediately put his arm around me n stuff and there’s just so much attraction godddddd. I really want to put pictures up here because I’ve got some nice ones but then you’ll know my face and I don’t want that to happen… (Why is my iTunes playing 1D) (Why am I enjoying it?) We’ve got that ‘give them a kiss on the cheek picture’. Two co-workers haha. (: I had fun. I probably could have kissed him. But, I’m still way too smart when I’m a little drunk.

And then, I ran into one of Joeys best friends. Talking ‘n stuff. And then the cruel answer about how Joey probably doesn’t want it to be alright. :( There goes my night, straight in the feelings. I wanted to talk to him afterwards but I when I found him, he was leaving and I didn’t dare to.

Today, one year ago (20/02), Joey and I officially started dating. I can not believe how much has changed ever since. I look back on it quite happily. I wouldn’t have missed it, even though it didn’t work out the way I would have wanted it to. I really wish I could speak with him one more time and then I will not contact him anymore. I’m just scared he doesn’t want to speak to me. The little we speak, he always cuts it off or it ends up in fighting over nothing. Until now, it has always come to a good end but it feels like it is really the end this time.

My housemates are becoming pretty great friends. We have dinner together quite often and they’re good to talk to, have a laugh with and take my mind off of things. I told one of them about this blog. He hasn’t read it, I hope. I wouldn’t know how he could be able to find me.

God I miss Joey.

Also, I should quit the little smoking I now sometimes do. (I want a cigarette)

Last night, I told my mom that I was glad she was my mom. She said it was really nice of me to say that.

I really wish this week was over, I haven’t felt this useless and sad for pretty long. Even the little I had to go to school sucked. All I wanted was stay in bed watching series or play games.