My aunt and I decided that it would be a good idea for me to call my dad. This way, he knew that I was thinking about him and we hoped it would be an opening to start talking again. Last night was the night I called. I let some people know that I would, so that in case of a mental breakdown, there would be people who knew what was going on. Haha. (There wasn’t).
He did not pick up.
To be honest, I somehow hoped this would happen. This way, he knows I called, whether he canceled it or truly missed it. I’ve decided not to call him until he tries to contact me. I actually just want to know if he read the letter and what he thinks of it, what it made him feel. Another reason that I’m glad he didn’t pick up, is because I am really dreading it. It can go two ways and of course I hope it will be for the better. But what if he decides to cut me off completely.
When I was little, I was once watching a tv show. In one of the episodes, there was this person that didn’t have contact with one of her parents anymore. She wanted to tell her that she was sorry and although I’m not sure, I think the parent didn’t want to make things right yet. Back then, I felt so glad that that would never happen to me, or so I thought. Because it did. And it was over something stupid and I just can not get to the fact that why? Why would you treat someone like this, especially when you love them.
Tonight, I’m going out for dinner with my boyfriend and two other friends. I’ve been looking forward to it all week but now I’m just a little scared that my dad will decide to call just during dinner. My dad doesn’t even know about the boy, he doesn’t know anything. He doesn’t know how well I do in school and I just want to show him what I am capable of. I want him to be proud of he, I want him to tell me that he loves me and that he wishes things went differently. I want him to be the adult in this relationship and I want him to be capable of telling me that he handled it the wrong way.
I really hope things will get better bit by bit. It will take time, strength, tears and loads of talking but I am sure that one day, he will be my daddy again. I just want him back the way he was. I know I’m too old for bedtime stories now, but I’d give anything to hear one of them again.
I miss you, daddy.