If only I had known…

Whoaaaaaa, four days too late but how I wish I could relive the past week. There are several things I’d like to change. It’s unbelievable how a week, day, minute or even second can change someone’s life forever. It is something I can not seem to get used to. I probably never will.

Up first, I lost a co-worker last Saturday. It’s been a week now and it feels so weird. I would definitely call her up to tell her that she must leave ten minutes later or ten minutes earlier. She died in a car crash, which I drove past on my way to work. When I arrived at work with my freshly bought apple crumble pie (I turned 21 earlier that week), one of my co-workers  told me about the accident before I walked in. Completely devastated I walked in, with my pie still in my hands. I was ashamed of it, even though I knew that they wouldn’t care. But if I had only known… The pie wasn’t touch that day, eventually only half of it was eaten. I threw it out yesterday, after the funeral. People came to work that day, only to sit there in tragedy, choking back tears, staring in disbelief.

Monday after the weekend, I had to retake a test which would decide if I would completely pass my first year in one try. I failed on 0,1 points. This sucks SO HARD. I’m so mad at myself and even though I know there’s nothing I can do and that I’ve still gotten into the second year, well, I’m just mad. If I had only studied a little longer, if I had only taken a look at that formula… I would have passed it. I would have been a flawless first year student. I hate the fact that I’m not flawless. The first year has gone so well even though I had to put up with some stuff. I was, am, so proud of myself.

The funeral was really beautiful. I’m glad that I went to say goodbye, and I could not have wished a more beautiful goodbye. I wish her all the best up there. I hope you rest in peace and we will never forget about you.

Peace

Pure Pride

It’s been a while, but I’m ready for the new Daily Prompt. (Okay, to be fair, I’m procrastinating the lab stuff I have to prep for tomorrow). I will now tell you about something I’ve promised myself to accomplish by the end of this year.

I’m a student, so basically my year ends on July 1st. This year, I started studying Forensic Science, to complete this study, we have to gain all our points we can get in the first year, in 2 years’ time. With this being the first year, I’m right on schedule. Last week, we got our advices and anyone who misses points gets an “on hold” advice, but not me. Mine was positive :) If everything goes as planned, I will finish my first year this year!

If I do, I am so proud of myself. This will be the first time in years that anything goes as planned. On top of that, my year hasn’t been the easiest (ex-boyfriends, fathers, moving) so I can be really proud of myself if I make it :)

But first, I have to stop procrastinating, this won’t make me pass this year.

Ciao!

x

 

And so the past never called

It’s been over a month since I called my dad and I still haven’t heard from him. I have let go of the thought that he might call and I’m moving on with my life. Things like these will happen when the time is right, which is not now… Apparently.

At this moment, I have an off day. I had a conversation with my teacher yesterday and even though everything is going perfectly fine at school, I’ve stopped going to the lessons I think are not important. It’s the last couple of weeks and it would be so stupid if I failed everything simply because I don’t have the motivation to do something.

I feel numb and I don’t know why. I suddenly dropped the “I think we should see each other less often”-bomb on Leroy, simply because I’d rather spend time with him than do schoolwork. It scared him a little and I hadn’t realised how fucked up the message could be. He realised we were alright and it wasn’t personal at all so everything is fine now, but I still feel really shitty for suddenly saying that. Having said that, I am not even sure if I will actually put my words in to action.

It’s been a while since I cried and I feel like there’s a lot of pressure has been building up and it has to be released some time soon. Mom’s called up a lawyer because she is sick of the behaviour of my dad. Finally. I don’t know what her next step is, but her every day life is influenced by him. Whenever she has to check her e-mail or wants to plan a much needed vacation, he is there to fuck things up. Every time a new e-mail from him comes in, she is so scared of what is in there. She can’t fall asleep at night and her self-esteem about being a mother has dropped to below zero. My dad accuses her of neglecting my brother while she does everything she can. It’s just not fair, why would you act like this. Why would someone do that.

My parents’ relationship scares me of what can happen to mine in the future. But it also makes me realise that you have to fight for your relationship and to never give up on love. It might be just around the corner, you know.

I haven’t talked about the things between me and my dad to anyone lately and I feel like I should because it does bother me. Well, at least it does somewhere deep down. It’s not like I think about it all day, every day. But then maybe I do because I do not count the times I am thinking about it. I should call my aunt some time soon and figure out what the next step is even though I already know. I have to wait. And it might be a little longer than a while.

 

Calling the past

My aunt and I decided that it would be a good idea for me to call my dad. This way, he knew that I was thinking about him and we hoped it would be an opening to start talking again. Last night was the night I called. I let some people know that I would, so that in case of a mental breakdown, there would be people who knew what was going on. Haha. (There wasn’t).

He did not pick up.

To be honest, I somehow hoped this would happen. This way, he knows I called, whether he canceled it or truly missed it. I’ve decided not to call him until he tries to contact me. I actually just want to know if he read the letter and what he thinks of it, what it made him feel. Another reason that I’m glad he didn’t pick up, is because I am really dreading it. It can go two ways and of course I hope it will be for the better. But what if he decides to cut me off completely.

When I was little, I was once watching a tv show. In one of the episodes, there was this person that didn’t have contact with one of her parents anymore. She wanted to tell her that she was sorry and although I’m not sure, I think the parent didn’t want to make things right yet. Back then, I felt so glad that that would never happen to me, or so I thought. Because it did. And it was over something stupid and I just can not get to the fact that why? Why would you treat someone like this, especially when you love them.

Tonight, I’m going out for dinner with my boyfriend and two other friends. I’ve been looking forward to it all week but now I’m just a little scared that my dad will decide to call just during dinner. My dad doesn’t even know about the boy, he doesn’t know anything. He doesn’t know how well I do in school and I just want to show him what I am capable of. I want him to be proud of he, I want him to tell me that he loves me and that he wishes things went differently. I want him to be the adult in this relationship and I want him to be capable of telling me that he handled it the wrong way.

I really hope things will get better bit by bit. It will take time, strength, tears and loads of talking but I am sure that one day, he will be my daddy again. I just want him back the way he was. I know I’m too old for bedtime stories now, but I’d give anything to hear one of them again.

I miss you, daddy.

Trouble in Paradise

Just when I thought I had everything back on track, the daddy issues come right back in. Maybe it’s the right timing and stuff but it scares me a little.

The psychologist made me write a letter, I think it was in October, and my aunt recently asked my dad if he wanted to read it. He agreed and promised that he would read it (I feared he was going to throw it away or maybe burn it). My aunt called me today to ask me how I was and if I wanted to call my dad some time soon. I’ve decided to call him this week. It’s gonna talk balls and tears but I really want to speak to him.

I don’t know if he has read the letter and I don’t know that if he didn’t, when he will have the courage to do it. To be honest, I can not fully remember what I have written because it’s been a while since… The point is, my dad and I really need to talk. I honestly miss him and I think it sucks that he doesn’t know what is going on in my life. I don’t even know if he knows that Joey and I broke up and he surely doesn’t know that I’m dating someone again. (Let’s call him Leroy).

Because Leroy and I are not official yet (yes, it is a thing to me). I don’t want to bother him with this. I’ve already told him that there is a letter and that my aunt has sent it to my dad, but he does not know what’s in it yet. I become very emotional when I talk about this to someone and I don’t want him to see me cry yet. I know he doesn’t care and that he wants to help me, but I don’t want to turn into the girlfriend who has daddy issues.

To be hones, I think that my dad is not feeling right. I even think he has relationship struggles. My stepmom is feeding him in his anger towards my mother (and maybe even me), or at least, that’s what we think. I really wish he would see someone so he can talk about it and I also think he deserves a decent woman who will make him realise that he is handling it the wrong way and that he has to let go of the anger and starts living his life again.

I just want it all back. The way it was before. When he wasn’t dating someone. Back to how it was when I was around… twelve years old. I would love to spend more time with him and start seeing him as my dad again instead of my father. (Yes, there is a difference).

This post may be too personal, but I haven’t really talked about it with anyone yet so it’s nice to have the ability to write it down somewhere.

Love -

 

Little Catch-Up

I’m sorry for not posting in a long time. I just checked and saw I had only posted twice in the past month. To be honest, I’m sososo happy with the guy I’m currently dating and I just want to rub it into anyone’s face and stuff like that. The past few days made me realise how much I’m starting to care about this guy. I think I can honestly say that I’m in love. I truly am I guess. It took me a while and some things went waaaay too fast but it just felt so right.

I’m not quitting this blog, but my life is at a good point and actually just quite boring. Boyfriend, school, work. Not really that much to blog about, not many thought either. I’m going to start another, Dutch, one about celiac disease as a student. I’m curious how it will work out, because I’ve had the idea for a while now and I don’t really put myself to doing it. I had exams the past few weeks, so there hasn’t been that much time but I hope I will get to it soon.

Thanks for reading and I will probably post again some time (when I’ve found something to blog about again, hopefully not another break-up).

Joey knows about the guy and I. To be fair; they know each other. He’s one of Joey’s friends’ brother. But I didn’t know it and Joey doesn’t seem to care. GREAT! Still feels a little weird though.

He and I are very alike and I’m not really sure if that’s a good or a bad thing. We do differ on many levels as well though. We make a pretty good team :) I am happy we found each other. I still don’t know how long it’s going to last and due to the age difference (I’m 2 years older than him :l) I’m scared he will start to bore me. But that’s just an irrelevant fear I guess. So far, it’s been pretty good and I shouldn’t worry too much already.

Okay, done.
Love, Lynn -

Note to self;

When someone tells you they are in love with you, you do not ask them if they like pudding.

I still need to make up a name for him. Anyways, we’ve been seeing each other quite often and it feels so good and comfortable. Almost as if we’ve known each other for months, but we haven’t. It helps so much that he goes to school in the same town, most of the time it’s like; done with school, coming over for an hour or so.

So lately, he told me he doesn’t fall in love that quickly and I guess… neither do I. So last night he suddenly dropped that on me. The butterflies went crazy haha. But I obviously don’t know how to handle those situations where he just said something nice and then you hug and kiss and everything is quiet and I suddenly remembered we hadn’t had desert yet and there was still pudding in the fridge. Blaaaaaah, shame on me!

He handeled it pretty well though :)

We just get along so well and I can’t figure out why but I’m so happy we ran in to each other. He’s just so sweet, funny and agh. Just… Everything. He’s leaving me speechless.

Ah well, it’s spring again. (: